We’ve got a hostage situation.
The evil crow, Edgar, has somehow gotten the hedgehog, Mr. Rigate standing on a pile of empty 2 deciliter cartons of cream and has put a noose with the other end tied to the above branch around poor Mr. Rigate’s neck.
“I demand 2 pieces of stale bread or Rigate hangs!” shouts Edgar his demands “And don’t get any ideas, this is one fragile pile of cartons!”
“We do not negotiate with terrorists!” barks Goldie the golden retriever
“Yeah, yeah, we don’t do that!” shout Rick the Raven, Mr. Roror the seagull and the other hedgehog Mr. Somerville like they were echoes of their collective soul.
“Well, so be it, bye-bye for Mr. Rigate then!” goes Edgar
“Wait, wait, ok, what if I offered you ONE piece of stale bread, that I think I will be able to find, how’s that?” Goldie takes a half step back.
“ONE piece of stale bread, hmm…ok Goldie, you’ve got ONE minute!”
Goldie is on the job, run Goldie, run!!
“Say, that’s a nice looking golden retriever…ess across the street->no, no, no...no time for that now, Mr. Rigate’s life depends on me!”
“But SAY, what an awesome fire hydrant, I just GOTTA take a p*ss!!->No time man, Rigate is dying over there…well, maybe just a small p*ss, I’ll come back later…”
“A postman too?! F*cking h*ll, you’ve gotta be kidding me!!”
Goldie resets his mind of all this and continues the chase of one, just ONE single piece of stale bread with the price tag on it that is the life of Mr. Rigate’s!
“There…no, not there…there, no, not there either…there, THERE! There lies a piece of…*sniffing*…yep, STALE bread, AWESOME!!”
Goldie grabs the bread, disregards the overwhelming urge to eat it himself, makes a 180 turn and starts running back to the hostage situation site!
“Please don’t hang me Edgar, I’ve got a wife…and possibly some kids too, I used to drink a LOT when I was younger!” Mr. Rigate cries out
“Begging is futile Rigate, it’s all about your buddy Goldie making it back here in 10 seconds…9, 8, 7…”
6, 5, 4, the clock is ticking, run Goldie, run!!
And Goldie runs, boy does he run, ignores all the fire hydrants->ignores all the female golden retrievers->ignores all the postmen->“Run!”
3, 2, 1…it’s gonna be close!!
“Bye-bye Rigate!” Edgar kicks the first carton from under Mr. Rigate…who is now one stretched out little hedgehog.
“I don’t think so!!” Goldie approaches the elevated situation from around the corner, makes a hhhuge 3 meter jump and kicks Edgar straight in the face with his left front paw and while still in the air makes a gravity-defying-magic-like 180 turn and kicks Edgar straight in the face with his right BACK paw too! Bang-bang!! Edgar has been neutralized…for now.
“Wet the wedgewog wovn!!!” they are shouting, what does that mean? “Wet the wedgewog wovn!!” I have no idea.
Misters Roror and Somerville let Mr. Rigate down and they stop shouting… it probably had something to do with that. This is one delicious piece of stale bread I tell you! Woof!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Axel the Ant
5-leg Thompson at the back starts waking up and goes: “Hey you sad son of a b*tch who everyone kicks in the n*ts and you just ask for more…are we there yet?!”
Axel stops pulling the sledge, goes to the back and asks: “Say what my main man?”
“You ignorant m*therf*cker, I said that are we ther…”
Ok, let’s rewind a bit.
Once upon a time there was this tiny little ant called Axel.
Axel was one of the most hardest working members of the ant community he was a part of; every day traveling many, many ant-miles on his trips to fetch anything he could find to help make the community’s nest the biggest god damn ant nest there ever was.
Axel the Ant was proud of his work!
One shiny day Axel’s homies, alleged homies, “Stone-cold Stephen” and the one called “The 5-leg Thompson” asked Axel to go with them to have a drink in this far away tavern, many, many ant-miles from home. This was the payday.
Axel thought it for a while…thought it for another while and “Ok, I think I’ll go”.
And off they went three of them.
In his limited spare time, Axel had built this sledge out of a leaf, in which he pulled the two alleged homies to the location, just to try that the sledge works ok. Or that’s how the 2 lazy b*stards justified the reason not to walk themselves.
Once the three ants got to the tavern, Stone-cold and 5-leg right away jumped off of the sledge leaving some empty bottles and cigarette butts and other trash behind, went inside and immediately started raising some hell; picking fights, harassing the grrrls and ordering rounds of drinks for everyone…for which poor Axel had to make good for with his well deserved pay check. This continued for several hours.
Finally, at 4am the manager of the place started kicking the ants out, Stone-cold and 5-leg were both sound asleep-passed out at his point.
This was a slightly, slightly delicate situation for Axel, “Oh what to do with those two passed out…comrades…who just spent my entire pay check for their own pleasures!”
Axel thought it for a while…thought it for another while and “Ok, in the end they are ones of my own and I have to see to it that they get home safely”.
Axel dragged the two drunken ants into the leaf-sledge and started pulling.
“Home is so far away and the road full of dangers” thinks Axel “But back home we must get!”
Axel pulls the sledge with every single muscle gained from the hard every day work stretching to the maximum, “Pull, Axel, pull!” bangs the thought in his head!!
“Girls…Mexico…gimme a shot of that tequila…hrarrr…girls…tequila…Mexico” 5-leg Thompson mumbles in his sleep from the back…
But after 5 ant-miles Axel’s powers are finally starting to run out “I must continue, we MUST get hooom….” Axel falls down on his belly.
Suddenly out of nowhere, like an icicle landing on a person’s head, like a cell phone starting to ring in a movie theatre just when “they” are about to kiss, like a Rottweiler biting a person in the *ss, there is this circle of bright light hovering above Axel and from within that circle of bright light presents itself this tiny, tiny fairy with the whitest dress there ever was and with the wings so brittle that even breathing against them would make them fall apart.
“Axel, my child” goes the fairy with a sweetest of voices and continues “You are the chosen one and you will be featured in many, many PT Loren-stories to come…and therefore it can’t be your destiny to die here! Go on, Axel, go on! And oh by the way, you might wanna consider NOT taking that sh*t anymore! Just an opinion, just an opinion…”
“Must…go…OOOONNNNN!” Axel rises and starts pulling the sledge again “PHULLL, PHULLLL!!!!” Axel phulls like a doped up athlete!
This is the brand new Axel the Ant, the one that no one better NOT f*ck with!!
5-leg Thompson at the back starts waking up and obviously doesn’t know this and goes: “Hey you sad son of a b*tch who everyone kicks in the n*ts and you just ask for more…are we there yet?!”
Axel stops pulling the sledge, goes to the back and asks: “Say what my main man?”
“You ignorant m*therf*cker, I said that are we ther…”
Axel kicks 5-leg in the n*ts once, kicks 5-leg in the n*ts twice, kicks 5-leg in the n*ts THREE TIMES…and asks again: “Say what my main man?”
“Euuwwww, anything you want man, just please PLEASE don’t kick me in the n*ts anymore!!!” Moans 5-leg.
Axel goes back to the driver’s seat, adjusts the harnesses a bit and phhulls the sledge, with the passengers, safely all the way home.
The Road will never be dangerous again for this tiny little ant called Axel.
Axel stops pulling the sledge, goes to the back and asks: “Say what my main man?”
“You ignorant m*therf*cker, I said that are we ther…”
Ok, let’s rewind a bit.
Once upon a time there was this tiny little ant called Axel.
Axel was one of the most hardest working members of the ant community he was a part of; every day traveling many, many ant-miles on his trips to fetch anything he could find to help make the community’s nest the biggest god damn ant nest there ever was.
Axel the Ant was proud of his work!
One shiny day Axel’s homies, alleged homies, “Stone-cold Stephen” and the one called “The 5-leg Thompson” asked Axel to go with them to have a drink in this far away tavern, many, many ant-miles from home. This was the payday.
Axel thought it for a while…thought it for another while and “Ok, I think I’ll go”.
And off they went three of them.
In his limited spare time, Axel had built this sledge out of a leaf, in which he pulled the two alleged homies to the location, just to try that the sledge works ok. Or that’s how the 2 lazy b*stards justified the reason not to walk themselves.
Once the three ants got to the tavern, Stone-cold and 5-leg right away jumped off of the sledge leaving some empty bottles and cigarette butts and other trash behind, went inside and immediately started raising some hell; picking fights, harassing the grrrls and ordering rounds of drinks for everyone…for which poor Axel had to make good for with his well deserved pay check. This continued for several hours.
Finally, at 4am the manager of the place started kicking the ants out, Stone-cold and 5-leg were both sound asleep-passed out at his point.
This was a slightly, slightly delicate situation for Axel, “Oh what to do with those two passed out…comrades…who just spent my entire pay check for their own pleasures!”
Axel thought it for a while…thought it for another while and “Ok, in the end they are ones of my own and I have to see to it that they get home safely”.
Axel dragged the two drunken ants into the leaf-sledge and started pulling.
“Home is so far away and the road full of dangers” thinks Axel “But back home we must get!”
Axel pulls the sledge with every single muscle gained from the hard every day work stretching to the maximum, “Pull, Axel, pull!” bangs the thought in his head!!
“Girls…Mexico…gimme a shot of that tequila…hrarrr…girls…tequila…Mexico” 5-leg Thompson mumbles in his sleep from the back…
But after 5 ant-miles Axel’s powers are finally starting to run out “I must continue, we MUST get hooom….” Axel falls down on his belly.
Suddenly out of nowhere, like an icicle landing on a person’s head, like a cell phone starting to ring in a movie theatre just when “they” are about to kiss, like a Rottweiler biting a person in the *ss, there is this circle of bright light hovering above Axel and from within that circle of bright light presents itself this tiny, tiny fairy with the whitest dress there ever was and with the wings so brittle that even breathing against them would make them fall apart.
“Axel, my child” goes the fairy with a sweetest of voices and continues “You are the chosen one and you will be featured in many, many PT Loren-stories to come…and therefore it can’t be your destiny to die here! Go on, Axel, go on! And oh by the way, you might wanna consider NOT taking that sh*t anymore! Just an opinion, just an opinion…”
“Must…go…OOOONNNNN!” Axel rises and starts pulling the sledge again “PHULLL, PHULLLL!!!!” Axel phulls like a doped up athlete!
This is the brand new Axel the Ant, the one that no one better NOT f*ck with!!
5-leg Thompson at the back starts waking up and obviously doesn’t know this and goes: “Hey you sad son of a b*tch who everyone kicks in the n*ts and you just ask for more…are we there yet?!”
Axel stops pulling the sledge, goes to the back and asks: “Say what my main man?”
“You ignorant m*therf*cker, I said that are we ther…”
Axel kicks 5-leg in the n*ts once, kicks 5-leg in the n*ts twice, kicks 5-leg in the n*ts THREE TIMES…and asks again: “Say what my main man?”
“Euuwwww, anything you want man, just please PLEASE don’t kick me in the n*ts anymore!!!” Moans 5-leg.
Axel goes back to the driver’s seat, adjusts the harnesses a bit and phhulls the sledge, with the passengers, safely all the way home.
The Road will never be dangerous again for this tiny little ant called Axel.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Tunnel Diggers
”Hey-ho-hey-ho, we are gonna dig a tunnel, hey-ho-hey-ho, we don’t care for anything else!” sing the 3 little golden retriever puppies after, once again, coming up with a plan on how to escape from the yard surrounded by a fence.
“The first one will do the digging and the other two try not to fall asleep while keeping guard” they continue.
“And once we DO get caught for this, we’ll start another one” sings the digging-puppy solo with it’s head already half way in the tunnel.
“So, what’s the point of all of this?” Replies the first guard-puppy, with a high note
“There’s totally no point to any of this!” Sings the second guard-puppy, with a surprisingly LOW note
The 3 puppies go as one: “The point is irrelevant, this is what we do!”
“Hey-ho-hey-ho, we are gonna dig a tunnel, hey-ho-hey-ho, we don’t care for anything else!”
“The first one will do the digging and the other two try not to fall asleep while keeping guard” they continue.
“And once we DO get caught for this, we’ll start another one” sings the digging-puppy solo with it’s head already half way in the tunnel.
“So, what’s the point of all of this?” Replies the first guard-puppy, with a high note
“There’s totally no point to any of this!” Sings the second guard-puppy, with a surprisingly LOW note
The 3 puppies go as one: “The point is irrelevant, this is what we do!”
“Hey-ho-hey-ho, we are gonna dig a tunnel, hey-ho-hey-ho, we don’t care for anything else!”
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rick the Raven vs. Edgar the Crow
Edgar
”F*cking H*ll, mind the speed limit please!!” Roars the handsome, slightly PT Loren-looking gentleman on my left as I fly by his balcony…like AT LEAST 100 km/h!!! I’m a pretty good flyer.
Anyway, hi, my name is Edgar!
I’m a crow and you might remember me from the earlier PT Loren-story “Never Mess with Another Bird’s Piece of Bread or He’ll Kick You in the N*ts”.
I’m that crow…and I’m still a bit sore from the beating the damn seagull, Mr. Roror gave me back then!
My name is Edgar, I steal bread…from mouths.
Rick
Hi! My name is Rick, I’m a raven, you know, “Rick the Raven”.
Most of my friends call me Rick-Rick, I think it’s because I have a rather distinctive voice for a raven and I guess it sounds a bit like that, “Rick-Rick!”
What a nice day today!
Here I am, just chilling under this pine tree in the eastern Helsinki, I’m an eastern Helsinki kind of bird, you know, pretty tough…at least compared to the western Helsinki ravens, those fools!
“Pomp-pomp-pomp” I jump on the sidewalk, see I’m also a sort of a pomp-pomp-pomping kind of bird, I usually just “Pomp-pomp-pomp” until I can’t “Pomp-pomp-pomp” no more!
Say, that’s a nice piece of stale bread on the curb of this sidewalk just waiting to be eaten.
Better hurry and get it right away, I have heard some rumors about these vicious crows…
Pomp-pomp-pomping to the bread now…and grabbing it…small difficulties in the swallowing department…trying…still trying…
“EDGARRRR!!!” Someone screams above me with an irritating voice and I can feel a gentle crowish breeze just before I get wing-slapped right in the face, which makes me drop the bread.
Edgar
“EDGARRRR!!!” I scream like a maniac and attack the raven with an awesome looking piece of stale bread in his mouth!
I wing-slap the b*stard once…touché! Right in the face!
I grab the bread from the ground and fly away.
Rick
…what the h*ll just happened?
Oh yes, it’s all coming back to me now, I was trying to swallow the oversized piece of bread…had some difficulties with that and…oh yes…I mean, OH NO! I mean, GOD DAMN IT, THE CROW IS SOOO GONNA GET IT NOW!!!
Revenging Raven 1, Revenging Raven 1, you have been cleared for takeoff.
PT Loren
“F*cking H*ll, mind the speed limit please!!” The damn crow flying by my balcony about 200 km/h almost just gave me a heart attack!!
What was it that it had in it’s mouth? Looked a bit like a very large piece of bread…oh well, not very relevant PT, is it!
But say, that’s gotta be the most funniest sounding raven EVER that just landed on a branch of this tree right in front of my balcony, how would I describe it…it sounds a bit like “Rick-Rick!” like if the fellow would be called “Rick” and it was just trying to say it’s own name, how cute:).
“Hi Rick the Raven!” I say. “Rick-Rick!” it goes back.
And just look at it pomp-pomp-pomp from one branch to another like it would be trying to locate the crow that just flew by with a bread in it’s mouth. Priceless!
Rick
I’m airborne now, chasing the crow…where the heck did the son of a b*tch go!?
Better to land on this tree here, calm down a bit and take a good looksy at the situation!
On my left, on a balcony by this tree there is this human being with a rather stupid grin on his face saying something like “Hi Wick the Waven”…whatever that means.
I pomp-pomp-pomp from one branch to another trying to spot the b*stard crow.
There…no, not there…there, no not there either…there…THERE!! GOTCHA!!!
Edgar
“Lah-la-la-lah, what’s better than a freshly stolen bread, lah-la-la-lah!” I find myself singing.
That looks like a nice rooftop, I think I’ll go and enjoy my bread there…only 20 meters to go…only 10 meters to go and…”Rick-Rick!” screams someone above me with a rather irritating voice!
God damn it, not again!!
Edgar & Rick
“What the…oh you wanna piece of me raven, huh?! Bring it on man! Bring it on!”
“I’ll kick you in the n*ts man!” There you have it! And there! And there!
“Awww, my n*ts!”
“Give up the bread man!”
“No way José!”
“I’ll kick you in the n*ts man!”
“Awww, my n*ts!”
Rick
The bread is mine, all mine, I think I’ll enjoy it on this nearest rooftop here.
I just hope the guy on the balcony wasn’t a storywriter or anything…
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